


Performance Issues

by Aconite



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Knotting, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-24 07:33:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2573396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aconite/pseuds/Aconite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Accident's happen... and they can lead to some very interesting consequences. Like emotionally scarring your best friends and also maybe never having sex again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Performance Issues

**Author's Note:**

> Basically this is just a sort of parody of omegaverse and like knotting in general. Although tbh, I don't write smut so I'm not sure how well I can parody it to begin with. Also this was admittedly written very fast, in attempt to contribute to ScacksonWeek, so it's not as good as it could possibly be.

            “Come on, McCall, is that the best you can do?”   Jackson smirked up as Scott pinned him back against the mattress. Scott’s response was to simply draw his hips back and thrust into Jackson again.  His victory comes in the form of Jackson’s involuntary moan.

 

            “You were saying?”

 

            “Fuck y-” Jackson’s stopped by another kiss and he groans again as they tangle together, Scott getting rougher and more insistent.

 

            “Ah.” Jackson winces, the sensation going from pleasant to uncomfortable, as he’s stretched open even more. “Scott, stop.”

 

            “What’s wrong?” Scott stops immediately, all puppy dog eyes and worried noises, “I thought you liked it whe-“

 

            “It’s not that, it’s fuck ow- It’s feels weird. It’s like you got bigger”

 

            “Thanks!” Scott replies, beaming with pride.

 

            “It’s not a compliment, you idiot.” Scott’s grin immediately falls as Jackson winces again “It hurts.”

 

            “Oh, oh I’m sorry don’t worry I’ll just… I’ll pull out.” Scott tries to move back.

 

            It doesn’t go so well. At least if the simultaneous moans of pain are anything to go by.

 

            “Okay new plan” Scott says as he settles back down between Jackson’s legs, “We stay right here and try not to move.”

 

            “Agreed.” Jackson grits out. “After all, this can’t last that long right?”

 

            However patience was not either of their virtues, so after a very long two minutes, Scott was prompted to ask.

 

            “You think we should call someone?”

 

            “Like who? Who exactly should we call in this situation?” Jackson says this with as much sarcasm as he can manage. Unfortunately, picking up on sarcasm isn’t one of Scott’s strong points because he replies very earnestly.

 

            “How about Stiles?”

 

            “Stilinski? Did all that blood going to your dick deprive your brain of oxygen? There is no way we are calling Stilinski about… this problem.” He hisses, Scott scruff a hand through his hair and tries to adjust his position, his legs cramping from sitting like this.

 

            “What about Derek?” The look on Jackson’s face is enough to stop that train of though. “All right well… who would you suggest?”

 

            Jackson legitimately wants to die right then in there, because he never in his life thought that he would have to call someone because another boy’s penis is actually stuck inside of him. So he just picks the person he’s least uncomfortable with in this situation.

 

            “Danny.”

 

            “What no, I don’t want him to see me naked… I don’t want him to see you naked.”

 

            “Scott, we’re on the lacrosse team, we shower together, we’ve all seen each other naked.” Scott pouts at this, even though he admits it true, when he’s struck by what he thinks is a brilliant idea.

 

            “How about a compromise? We call Stiles and Danny.”

 

            “How is that in anyway a reasonable solution?” That said, Jackson’s starting to panic and at a certain point panic outweighs embarrassment and humiliation. “Fine, call them.”

 

            “Great! Uh wait-“ At that moment they both crane their heads to look across the room, to where their clothes are.

 

            To where both their phones are.

 

            “Fuck.”

 

            ******************************************************

 

            “Hey Danny! What are you doing here?” Stiles exclaims as he pulls into Scott’s driveway and sees the taller boy getting out of his car.

 

            “Got a text from Jackson, said to get here fast.” Danny calls back as he slams the car door closed.

 

            “Huh, weird I got the same text from Scott.” He pulls out his phone to show Danny and after a moments hesitation they both continue up onto the porch. Danny knocks and after no response, tries the door. They look at each other, eyebrows raised, before cautiously venturing inside.

 

            “Yo? Scott, we’re here.”  Stiles calls out, a bit freaked out to see the house so obviously empty.

 

            “Up here!” Comes a voice, it’s faint but it’s obviously freaked out and it’s also obviously Scott.  Neither of the two boys have to hear anymore before dashing up the stairs. Scott’s voice calls again, “We’re in my room.”

 

            Stiles gets to the door first, throwing it open without any hesitation. “Scott what’s wr-“ He stops dead in his tracks at what he sees. Jackson. Scott. Jackson and Scott. Naked. Very Naked. Engaged in carnal relations. He breaks his gaze away, before very calmly saying,  “You’re clearly busy, I’ll come back later.”

 

            Then he closes the door and runs screaming into Danny’s very confused arms.

                                   

 

                                                ****************************

 

            “Can I just say I feel very uncomfortable right now.” Stiles states as he stares at the ceiling, at the floor, at anything other than Scott and Jackson on the bed across from him. Danny shifts nervously next to him, but maintains a very careful neutral expression.

 

            “Oh boo fucking hoo for you Stilinksi, you feel uncomfortable right now?” Jackson spits at the words, admittedly (and understandably) more than a little frustrated at this. Scott tries to place a hand on Jackson’s shoulder, but he’s shaken off, he’s a bit miffed at the cold response, although he can’t really blame him considering all the trouble their touching had gotten them into.

 

            “All right, okay.” Danny exclaims, getting to his feet. “I’m sure we can all admit this is a very uncomfortable situation for everyone, so why don’t we try to fix it. Then we can all forget that this ever happened.”

 

            “Yeah, good luck with that.” Stiles snorts, though he’s still unable to look at the two on the bed, they might be covered up as best they can by a sheet, but honestly it doesn’t help at all.

 

            “Right okay, so umm, can you two describe exactly what happened that um… led to… this?” Danny’s voice weakens by the end of it, trailing off uncertainly. Scott looks at Jackson, who flops his head back on the mattress and covers his face with his hands. Taking this as an invitation to start, he states in as calm a manner as possible;

 

            “Well, we were having sex.”

 

            “Yeah no shit Sherlock.” Stiles and Jackson say at the same time, Stiles forgets his embarrassment and they glare at each other for a moment, before he remembers again and breaks his gaze away from Jackson, cheeks going red.

 

            “Go on, Scott.” Danny says as encouragingly as he can.

 

            “Well um… Jackson said it started it hurt and it seems like…  _it…. You know it_?” At Danny’s nodding, Scott keeping going “Well…  _it…_  got bigger and now I can’t get…  _it…_  out and it’s umm this is kind of painful for both of us.” Scott strokes a hand through Jackson’s hair, trying to comfort the other boy a little bit. However the action does little to stop the utter humiliation Jackson is suffering from, it’s a pain that hurts so much more than….  _it_ … is hurting him right now.

           

            Danny and Stiles look at each other for a long moment, before promptly bursting out into hysterical laughter.

 

            “It’s not fucking funny.” Jackson cries out, blindly groping for a pillow and tossing it at the both of him. He misses, and now he wants to dies even more.

 

            “It kind of his dude” Stiles wheezes out. “I mean I’m still totally uncomfortable and freaked out by all of this, but it’s kind of hilarious.”

 

            Jackson would probably murder him if he weren’t immobilized by Scott’s penis.

 

            “All right, okay.”  Danny chuckles, “This is obviously a very serious issue, we should call a doctor.”

 

            “NO.” Is the resounding shout from both Scott and Jackson.

 

            “It’s bad enough having both of you here.” Jackson grits out.

 

            “Right so you just want to go against all common sense and not call a doctor. Okay. Fine.” Danny’s tone makes it very obvious that it’s not fine.

 

            “It’s cool we don’t need a doctor, I’ll just look up WebMD on my phone.” Stiles is already typing away, before Danny can inform him that no, WebMD is not a substitute for professional medical help.

 

            “All right Scott, have you taken any drugs used to treat impotence recently.”

 

            “Huh?”

           

            “He’s talking about Viagra.” Jackson interjected.

 

            “ _What_? NO, of course not.” Scott’s vehemently denied, Stiles continues scrolling down the page, unperturbed.

 

            “Okay. What about steroids.”

 

            “No.”

 

            “Illegal substances, cocaine, heroin, narcotics?”

 

            “Nope.”

 

            Stiles looks up in horror at what he appears to have read.

 

            “It’s cancer.” He whispers.

 

 

                        *************************************

 

            After a lot of yelling on Jackson’s part and Scott and Danny both trying to calm him down to varying degrees of success and then everyone trying to convince Stiles that it was not in fact, cancer. Something miraculous occurred.

 

            “Wait- wait I think I can umm…  _it’s_ gone down.”

 

            “Oh thank god,” Jackson moaned out, as Scott pulled out of him and they both scrambled to hide in the sheets. Stretching out cramped muscles from having stayed still for so long.

 

            “Okay great, that’s great I’m happy for you both really. Now I’m going to go home and… well I’m going to go boil my eyes.” Stiles was halfway out the door already and Danny wasn’t far behind him, he paused at the door, pained expression on his face.

 

            “Yeah dude, look I love you and all… but this was a bit too much.”

 

            “Agreed.” Jackson calls back, his brown hair spiked and ruffled with exhaustion. He looks over at Scott, who is clearly in no better shape than he is. “I should probably be getting home.” He sighs, without making any effort to move.

 

            “How about neither of us move until we can walk without crying.”

 

            “Agreed.”

 

                                                ********************************

 

            “Scott, hey hey Scott!” Stiles called after his friend, chasing him down in the hallway.

 

            “Where were you?” Scott hissed, “You missed all of first period.” Stiles gripped him arm and lead him to a slightly more secluded.

 

            “I’ve been doing some research.”  He whispered conspiratorially, his huffing at the clueless expression on his Scott’s face. “You know about…. _It_?” Scott’s eyes widen, flitting around, worried about anyone overhearing.

 

            “Dude, I thought you said we were never going to talk about it.” He complains through gritted teeth, embarrassment turning his face red.

 

            “That was before… I figured out why it happened.”

 

            “What seriously?” Scott’s disbelief is palpable, “Dude, You better not be joking because Jackson’s been avoiding me.” His shoulder’s slump visible and Stiles can’t help but roll his eyes at Scott looking like a kicked puppy dog (as opposed to what he usually looks like, which is just a regular puppy dog).

 

            “Yeah well I don’t know if this is going to do wonder’s for your relationship… It’s kind of…” Scott can’t help but be a bit scared at Stile’s stammering, motioning for him to finish. “Okay remember biology when we were reading about mating habits?” He nods a bit, but Stiles can tell Scott has no clue “Right of course you don’t, well wolves have a certain mating habit where err….”

 

            “What? Dude, just tell me.”

 

            “Basically, the male’s…  _it_ … gets bigger and the two sort of get stuck together for a few hours… It’s too make sure that the female gets pregnant.” The words come out in a rush, before Stiles can realize the awkwardness of what he’s saying. Scott just stares blankly for a few minutes. “I have no clue if it’s the same with werewolves but it must be similar considering what happened.” He snaps his fingers in front of Scott’s face at this, fed up with his unresponsiveness.

 

            “But Jackson’s a boy. He can’t have babies.” Scott mutters weakly, with that same glazed over expression in his eyes. Stiles shrugs and sighs at this.

 

            “Well obviously no one told your genitals considering they spend last Saturday trying to impregnate him.” Scott collapses against the lockers at this, looking at Stiles with an utterly heart broken expression.

 

            “Dude.” He whispered “He’s never going to have sex with me again.”

 

 

                                    **********************************************

 

            “Can I ask why I’m here?” Derek said, wearing his usually pissed off expression. Stiles swallowed harshly and looked at Jackson and Scott.

 

            “Well,” He said “Umm… we called this meeting, because um… Scott and I figured something out about… a problem Jackson and Scott had and we wanted to ask you about it.”

 

            “Wait a minute, that’s what this is about!” Jackson stands up from the table “No, nope no way, we are not talking about this.”

 

            “Sit.” Derek bites out, and Jackson sits right back down, smoothing the wrinkles out of his shirt.

 

            “Babe,” Scott says, attempts to hold Jackson’s hand, but one look is enough to send him scooting his chair away.

 

            “All right, what problem’s so important that we had to call a meeting with just us and none of the others?” Derek sighs and it’s very obvious that he’s beginning to lose his patience, not that he ever had much to begin with.

 

            “Well umm, Scott and Jackson are… as you know… currently engaged in carnal relations.” Derek’s eyebrows are raised high enough to hit the ceiling and Jackson keeps sinking further and further into his chair. Stiles stops at this, unsure of how to continue. “Well um… well…”

 

            “My dick got stuck inside of Jackson.” Scott blurts out and Jackson covers his face with his hands, if he could he would probably sink into the floor. Derek can’t really find any proper reaction to this bit of news, Stiles takes over again, sensing that this is the most help he’s going to get from anyone else.

 

            “Right well… it seems that Scott got bigger… at which point he and Jackson were unable to… disconnect for quite a while.” Then all of a sudden, he hears a strange sound.

 

            Derek is laughing. He’s laughing so hard that he looks like he's about to cry.

 

            “I’m going to kill all of you.” Jackson cries from behind his hands.

 

            “Oh my god, this is too good.” Derek says through his laughter. “Too good.”

 

            “I take it you know what we’re talking about.” Stiles comments.

 

            “Sure I do.” Derek straightens up in his chair, calming down and fixing his leather jacket. “Puppy dog got too excited and the wolf started to come out, at which point animal instinct prompted him to try and get Mr. Abercrombie and Fitch over there.” He jerks his head in Jackson’s direction, “knocked up.”

 

            “What!” Jackson stands at the same time as Stiles’ dramatically jumps up and fist pumps, crying all the while;

 

            “I fucking knew it.”

 

            “Shut up Stilinski.” Jackson shouts before turning on Scott “You were trying to get me pregnant?”

 

            “I didn’t mean to?” Scott offers up weakly.

 

            “Oh relax,” Derek says, beginning to chuckle again, “He didn’t mean to, he just got too excited. I’ve only ever heard of it happening once or twice, so I can’t say for sure, but it probably won’t happen again. He just needs to work on controlling himself.”

 

            Jackson looks at Scott for a long while, before saying through clenched teeth.

 

          "We are never having sex again."

 


End file.
